What is it about life that makes it so difficult to stay focused. How is it that one day you are fully prepped. Ready to take on the world, sometimes you even do. The next day, you feel wasted (not the liquor induced kind), beaten and hopeless. Why is it so difficult to stay the course, to believe? That should probably read why is it so difficult for me to stay the course to keep pushing when things get tough. I remember being able to do that before, or at least I think I might have been able to do it before, cause I distinctly remember some very tough moments in my twenties, some even look quite similar to the tough shit of today. Yet somehow I got through them, and seemed to have done so much quicker than I get through now. I feel I was more resilient then, seemingly able to push ahead even when I didn’t want to. Not sure that truly is the case though, they say human beings have selective memories. We bury deep the traumatic experiences and hold on to the good. However there are always echos of the bad, those never go away really. While you may not remember the exact details of bad experiences you do remember things through the fog…and sometimes they show up when you least expect it. I am rambling away from the original thought that I began with- why is it so hard to stay focused. I don’t know…this morning I woke up feeling tired, beaten, just wanted to give up. It might have been that I actually was tired since I had not slept the whole night. I had a good cry, one of those deep and ugly cries, you know where the chest hurts and you can barely breathe. Yeah I had one of those, during the tears I started saying the Serenity Prayer – God Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference -(funny enough it was hard remembering the words of the prayer to type here). Yes I kept repeating that little prayer in my mind until finally I fell asleep, I slept for about 3 (turns out 4) hours and woke up from a very deep sleep where I had very strange and vivid dreams. I am less distraught now, I feel a little stronger, now doing laundry, made myself breakfast, typing this post. Do I feel more focused? umm nope still working on figuring it all out…but sometimes being able to just do the simple things is a lot to be grateful for. So I am grateful for the little things, grateful for the ability to cry and for a little prayer called Serenity. Maybe one day I will get to be grateful for Focus.
a blackchick 🙂